Vacuum

I have been spending too much time docked up. The interface problems I have been experiencing seem to be too hard for the techs to pin down. It has left me with a lot of time to read, catch up on things I may or may not have once known, and to think. I've been thinking too much... mostly about snow angels...

When I first got out here, past the reach of the Empires, I was shocked at how busy it was. The stations are teeming, the systems hardly ever empty... I don't know why I expected it to be different... perhaps because the Empires had me convinced they were civilization. I see now what many have seen before me, the Empires are old civilization. The frontier of humanity is here. Here is where the old paradigms are shifted, examined, played with and pushed. It is here that the future lies.

As busy as it is out here, my pod problems have kept me away from it. Everything I knew and forgot, everything I relearned, is far away from here. It has had the effect of isolating me in reality the way I had felt before, now I am. It is good actually. It has given me much time to consider the Sister's teachings, and what everything means.

I miss the snow angels though...

Ambitransitive

Learned something new today. From my datapad. I thought moving out here would open things up a little more, get me off the... well, it might have. My first few days out here were... overwhelming to say the least. It was so different, quieter and busier all at once. It was strange. And so much to learn. Oh sure it's easy to stick locations of hundreds of jump bridges into my navcom, but actually understanding how to use them and how to plot routes...

Anyway, I learned the word 'Ambitransitive.' I am having a hard time trying to figure out what is God's plan, and what is coincidence. Is there coincidence? or is it all God's plan? These are the questions that made me so unpopular with Fathers invited to speak to the slaves that Esna had rescued. Ambitransitive is a word that can be used both transitively[in transit], and intransitively[not in transit]. That's me right now.

I am having issues that I believe are most likely pod-interface related. It's been keeping me docked up and reading my datapad. I have both moved to a new life on the outskirts of civilization, and I haven't moved at all. Stuck here with my datapad.

Future Tense

I met with the Sisters of Eve agent yesterday and they agreed to take me on. They said that as long as I was in their employ they would see to it that my slave status was superceded. I am excited for the new opportunities, and to learn of their views of God. I crave so much knowledge. I am also scared. Esna was kind enough to allow me into his home and it became mine. I am nervous about leaving it.

They told me I was not to tell people of the nature of my work, only that I was going out to null sec. When I spoke with Esna, he said it was okay, that I could still be his slave and keep these secrets as long as required if I checked in with him and kept him updated. I feel a little strange, having secrets. It's a new experience for me. Or will be when I actually have them.

I turned in my roles and  packed my belongings, which really weren't much - some clothes Esna gave me, a collar, a ring, and some earrings marking me as Esna's, and the stem of a rose. It is weird to realize the petals scattered on the grounds outside the Keep are all I am really leaving behind that will mark my presence here. Well, and the snow angels I've been maintaining, but those will be erased by the first snow fall. The same snow that will bury whatever petals haven't blown away.

I said goodbye to Esna that night, which was good, cause I didn't see him at all the next day. I tried to get in on a couple patrols the next morning and then spent the rest of my last day ambling around the Keep alone. Only Selkie and her fiancee Rusty came to see me off.

I don't think they saw me crying as I headed to the shuttle bay...

S'No Angel

Just when things were starting to make sense...

Just when I felt I was fitting in...

Just when I thought I had found a home...

Is this always how it is? Is this why those around me always seem so sad, to be carrying such a burden?

I met someone. My second friend after Selkie. He was kind. He was gentle. He taught me to make snow angels...and then one of the Knights shot him in the back. Literally. That wasn't enough though. No. Then they had to shatter my faith and threw everything upside down again, these Knights who were supposed to be a representative of a merciful God. They were not concerned about his health. They were not concerned about seeking his forgiveness. They did not do any of the things God asks of us. What were their concerns? What did they worry about? Covering their asses.

This man they shot... he was a bad man they said, though Esna, Abhaya, Hitomi, and Shalee all said they considered him a friend. They are friends with bad men? This is how they treat a friend? What chance does a slave have for compassion? For mercy? He is no longer allowed to come to the Keep, though I suspect it is more his employers than mine keeping him away.

I discovered the true meaning of a lie. I discovered that while I understand words intellectually, there are many words whose meaning is really beyond my comprehension. Like a vague sketch of an outline of a poorly understood concept. I thought lying was bad, that it was a sin. Now it seems I am the only one in the 'verse that does not lie, though I have been assured that Sophie did. Selkie has tried to teach me to lie, but I don't seem to be very good at it.

This man they shot... he has not lied to me. He taught me to make snow angels. He taught me to dance. He has promised to teach me more things to cook, things I have not learned from the Knighthood's kitchen staff. He gave me a name. Sparrow. Esna has allowed me to see him, and approved the name, and as always I am grateful to him for it.

Esna has been very busy lately. He has taken in another capsuleer slave in order to help her and while she seems uneasy with the idea, I have no doubt that he will be able to help her. I feel further from him still and more confused all the time.

This man they shot... he has made me aware of just how sheltered I have been, I am. I had not even been aware of it. While in many ways I did feel sheltered, hidden, excluded...I have also felt very exposed. Random threats and insults on local comms from the enemy, a general disregard from allies, certain pilots following me everywhere, intent on killing me, reshipping when I do, going where I go. Perhaps it was the feelings of exposure keeping me from realizing how sheltered I truly was. I have a meeting with a Sisters of Eve agent tomorrow. Maybe it really is time for me to stand on my own, though I don't feel ready, perhaps I never will.

This man they shot... he taught me to make snow angels.

Beginnings

So, I started this diary to try to make sense of things, of my situation. I was found by Esna Pitoojee. He not only saved my life, he helped me find God. Or God helped me find Esna, I'm not sure. All I really know is that I was on a station in Arzad being pursued and Esna helped me get away. I was very sick, some sort of radiation poisoning from being on Vo'Shun. Looking into it it seems our clone bodies are much more susceptible to this than natural ones. I became Esna's slave and in truth feel it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Until I started to meet others. There were those that thought they knew me, who I did not know. There were others who seemed to know of me and always seemed surprised to meet me. That is what led me to look for, and begin reading, the diary my former self kept. I didn't finish it.

It felt like reading the words of a stranger, a very sad stranger and, perhaps it is another form of running but, I didn't want to know. I also found it very uncomfortable being around those that knew Sophie as I began calling her. Mostly because they felt they knew me when I felt they did not, but also because I did not feel like this Sophie. I asked Esna for a new name.

I was also confused because everything I had learned about God and slavery seemed to be thrown into confusion when I met others. The Knighthood was against it and as I met those that supported slavery it seemed their ideas where quite different from what I had understood. Ultimately I found that the institution itself needed much reforming and I gave thanks again that I had been found by such an enlightened Master.

One of my major difficulties has been dealing with other people's misconceptions. Perhaps because I had no preconceived notions of anything at all, perhaps because people's words did not seem to match their actions. It was other people's idea of who Sophie was that caused me to be perplexed - I thought I could solve that with a new name. It was other people's ideas of slavery that caused me concern - which I began to understand when Esna had me helping those slaves he rescued from abusive Masters. More so, it was other people's ideas of what it means to be a pod pilot that gave me difficulty.

Most capsuleers seem to think they are immortal. Maybe they never leave their ships. For obvious reasons this became a subject of much interest to me and the sheer number of pod pilots that have had cloning accidents, died outside their pods, or become insane is simply staggering. And yet...they continue to strut about as though they are gods, untouchable, immortal.

What I find most difficult of all is still my first problem. I don't even know what I know. All of my memories are gone but...I remember words and what they mean. I remember how to fly. My body seems to remember skills it knew before while my brain doesn't even know what those skills are. I have no sense of deja vu, no flashbacks, no half-remembered things float to the surface of my consciousness...there is simply nothing before Arzad, nothing before Esna.

I am still waiting for a new name...

Past Imperfect

I am just starting to be able to make sense of things... as far as sense can be made.

I don't even know where to start. The beginning would be the logical place... if I knew where that was. It make more sense to start at the end.

Endings are beginnings after all aren't they?

The End