Beginnings

So, I started this diary to try to make sense of things, of my situation. I was found by Esna Pitoojee. He not only saved my life, he helped me find God. Or God helped me find Esna, I'm not sure. All I really know is that I was on a station in Arzad being pursued and Esna helped me get away. I was very sick, some sort of radiation poisoning from being on Vo'Shun. Looking into it it seems our clone bodies are much more susceptible to this than natural ones. I became Esna's slave and in truth feel it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Until I started to meet others. There were those that thought they knew me, who I did not know. There were others who seemed to know of me and always seemed surprised to meet me. That is what led me to look for, and begin reading, the diary my former self kept. I didn't finish it.

It felt like reading the words of a stranger, a very sad stranger and, perhaps it is another form of running but, I didn't want to know. I also found it very uncomfortable being around those that knew Sophie as I began calling her. Mostly because they felt they knew me when I felt they did not, but also because I did not feel like this Sophie. I asked Esna for a new name.

I was also confused because everything I had learned about God and slavery seemed to be thrown into confusion when I met others. The Knighthood was against it and as I met those that supported slavery it seemed their ideas where quite different from what I had understood. Ultimately I found that the institution itself needed much reforming and I gave thanks again that I had been found by such an enlightened Master.

One of my major difficulties has been dealing with other people's misconceptions. Perhaps because I had no preconceived notions of anything at all, perhaps because people's words did not seem to match their actions. It was other people's idea of who Sophie was that caused me to be perplexed - I thought I could solve that with a new name. It was other people's ideas of slavery that caused me concern - which I began to understand when Esna had me helping those slaves he rescued from abusive Masters. More so, it was other people's ideas of what it means to be a pod pilot that gave me difficulty.

Most capsuleers seem to think they are immortal. Maybe they never leave their ships. For obvious reasons this became a subject of much interest to me and the sheer number of pod pilots that have had cloning accidents, died outside their pods, or become insane is simply staggering. And yet...they continue to strut about as though they are gods, untouchable, immortal.

What I find most difficult of all is still my first problem. I don't even know what I know. All of my memories are gone but...I remember words and what they mean. I remember how to fly. My body seems to remember skills it knew before while my brain doesn't even know what those skills are. I have no sense of deja vu, no flashbacks, no half-remembered things float to the surface of my consciousness...there is simply nothing before Arzad, nothing before Esna.

I am still waiting for a new name...