S'No Angel

Just when things were starting to make sense...

Just when I felt I was fitting in...

Just when I thought I had found a home...

Is this always how it is? Is this why those around me always seem so sad, to be carrying such a burden?

I met someone. My second friend after Selkie. He was kind. He was gentle. He taught me to make snow angels...and then one of the Knights shot him in the back. Literally. That wasn't enough though. No. Then they had to shatter my faith and threw everything upside down again, these Knights who were supposed to be a representative of a merciful God. They were not concerned about his health. They were not concerned about seeking his forgiveness. They did not do any of the things God asks of us. What were their concerns? What did they worry about? Covering their asses.

This man they shot... he was a bad man they said, though Esna, Abhaya, Hitomi, and Shalee all said they considered him a friend. They are friends with bad men? This is how they treat a friend? What chance does a slave have for compassion? For mercy? He is no longer allowed to come to the Keep, though I suspect it is more his employers than mine keeping him away.

I discovered the true meaning of a lie. I discovered that while I understand words intellectually, there are many words whose meaning is really beyond my comprehension. Like a vague sketch of an outline of a poorly understood concept. I thought lying was bad, that it was a sin. Now it seems I am the only one in the 'verse that does not lie, though I have been assured that Sophie did. Selkie has tried to teach me to lie, but I don't seem to be very good at it.

This man they shot... he has not lied to me. He taught me to make snow angels. He taught me to dance. He has promised to teach me more things to cook, things I have not learned from the Knighthood's kitchen staff. He gave me a name. Sparrow. Esna has allowed me to see him, and approved the name, and as always I am grateful to him for it.

Esna has been very busy lately. He has taken in another capsuleer slave in order to help her and while she seems uneasy with the idea, I have no doubt that he will be able to help her. I feel further from him still and more confused all the time.

This man they shot... he has made me aware of just how sheltered I have been, I am. I had not even been aware of it. While in many ways I did feel sheltered, hidden, excluded...I have also felt very exposed. Random threats and insults on local comms from the enemy, a general disregard from allies, certain pilots following me everywhere, intent on killing me, reshipping when I do, going where I go. Perhaps it was the feelings of exposure keeping me from realizing how sheltered I truly was. I have a meeting with a Sisters of Eve agent tomorrow. Maybe it really is time for me to stand on my own, though I don't feel ready, perhaps I never will.

This man they shot... he taught me to make snow angels.